So I've been considering attending the Art Institute here in San Francisco & I've got a fellow military veteran friend that goes there too. So I sent him an email asking for advice on the place. He responded and told me he was heading to a comedy event in West Oakland where there's a veteran comedian every Sunday & asked if I cared to join. I met him @ the bart station & we rode over to W. Oakland. We were walking the few blocks to the club & talking about Art Institute when we hear footsteps running up behind us. We turn around and there's two guys, one pointing a .357 revolver at my boy Greg. They tell us to give them all our shit, wallets, phones, keys, even my camera. Then they bounced.
Happened so fucking fast. It was (& still is) surreal. Didn't have shit so we rolled over to a corner store to try to use their phone & call the cops, but dude behind the counter was bullshitting us like his phone didn't work. So we walked back to bart & got a bart cop to call Oakland PD. Was there giving police reports for another 45 minutes. They gave us a bart ticket to get back to the city, and luckily I had my bus transfer from the way over.
What can you say? It's pretty comical how easily somebody can do that shit now that I think about it. Even if I had a gun I don't think I'd want to start a shootout over some bullshit possessions... I'm just stoked that my homie & I were unscathed.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Via Truthout: Revisiting the FBI's Dirty War on Black America
Tuesday 22 February 2011
Thanks to a CNN documentary airing this week, the tale of FBI informant Ernest Withers is now well known. The black photographer spent years busily documenting the civil rights movement and capturing candid images of its leaders, most notably Martin Luther King, Jr.
Whether through flattery or the naiveté of his subjects, Withers and his camera were able to get close— very close— to the movement’s inner circles. He got so close that King and others trusted him to record their most intimate moments—ones that Withers would dutifully report back to his FBI handlers.
Withers’s case was not exceptional. At that time, the woods were full informants, both men and women. Their existence was possible not only because of a corrupt, paranoid FBI that was intent on making life hell for civil rights leaders and others during the turbulent 1960s, but because they had the tacit blessing of three U.S. presidents: John F. Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson and Richard Nixon. All three men firmly believed that the battle against domestic subversives—that is, communists, socialists, black nationalists, Black Panthers and civil rights leaders, most notably King—justified bending and ultimately breaking the law, civil liberties be damned.
There is also ample evidence in the correspondence, internal memos and discussions made public by historians and former White House staffers, to suggest that Kennedy, Johnson and Nixon never believed moderate civil rights leaders like King posed any real threat to the established order. Yet they still winked and nodded as John Edgar Hoover, the director of the FBI, launched a top secret and blatantly illegal counterintelligence program, COINTELPRO. It targeted not only the civil rights movement but other more radical leaders and organizations as well.
The mandate of that program, spelled out in the stacks of secret documents released by Senate investigators in 1976, was to "disrupt, misdirect, discredit, and neutralize" groups and individuals the FBI considered politically objectionable. Yet in nearly all of the cases, those targeted by COINTELPRO were neither foreign spies, terrorists nor criminals.
The FBI patterned COINTELPRO on the methods used by its counterintelligence division and internal security sections during the 1940s and '50s. The arsenal of dirty tactics they used included unauthorized wiretaps, agents provocateur, poison-pen letters, “black-bag jobs” (breaking and entering to obtain intelligence) and the compiling of secret dossiers.
Driven by a grotesque mix of personal racism and paranoia, Hoover kicked the program into high gear in the 1960s. The FBI recruited thousands of "ghetto informants," such as Withers for their relentless campaign of harassment and intimidation against African American groups. The bureau even organized its targets into Orwellian categories agents gave such labels as “Rabble Rouser Index,” “Agitator Index” and “Security Index.”
The impact of COINTELPRO on the Civil Rights and Black Power movements was immediate and devastating. Thousands lost their jobs, were expelled from schools, evicted from homes and publicly slandered.
Only a few of those would ever be indicted, convicted or even accused of committing a crime. In fact, FBI documents released in 1976 revealed that the bureau devoted less than 20 percent of its spy activities to infiltrating actual crime syndicates or to solving bank robberies, murders, rapes and interstate theft. By contrast, more than half of all FBI targets were political organizations.
Following the death of Hoover in 1972 and subsequent congressional disclosure of his illegal program, the Justice Department assured the public that operations like COINTELPRO were a thing of the past. The department had clamped down on all illegal FBI activities.
That was not the case.
In the 1980s, the FBI waged a five-year covert spy campaign against dozens of religious and pacifist groups and leaders that opposed American foreign policy in Central America.
In the 1990s, the agency mounted yet another series of covert campaigns against civil rights, environmental and anti-nuclear weapon groups, as well as against Native American and Arab-American political figures and organizations. FBI tactics used against those groups were an exact replica of the covert tactics employed in the 1960s and ’70s – tactics that were supposedly banned.
In 2002, the Bush administration again gave the green light to the FBI to wage a freewheeling campaign against so-called subversives, but this time the new watchword was “terrorist.”
The War on Terror gave the FBI a green light to conduct previously illegal forms of surveillance; plant secret agents in churches, mosques and political groups; and scour the Internet seeking potential subversives.
Just as in the days of J. Edgar Hoover, the rules gave the FBI unbridled power to determine who and what groups and individuals it could target. They could run free, without having to show probable cause of criminal wronging.
Ernest Withers was a pathetic, and now justly reviled figure, one who abused the trust of civil right leaders in order to distort and sully the image of the civil rights movement, while sowing dissent. He didn’t succeed. But he and the thousands like him—with plenty of help from the White House—have managed to ensure that government spying on U.S. citizens is a shameful and undeniable aspect of American life.
Earl Ofari Hutchinson is an author and political analyst. He hosts national Capitol Hill broadcast radio talk show on KTYM Radio Los Angeles and WFAX Radio Washington D.C. streamed on ktym.com andwfax.com and internet TV broadcast on thehutchinsonreportnews.com
Earl Ofari Hutchinson is an author and political analyst. He hosts national Capitol Hill broadcast radio talk show on KTYM Radio Los Angeles and WFAX Radio Washington D.C. streamed on ktym.com andwfax.com and internet TV broadcast on thehutchinsonreportnews.com
All republished content that appears on Truthout has been obtained by permission or license.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Tokyo tips I offered this guy who was going.
Japan is the shit man. Lived there two years. You looking to just stay in Tokyo, or move around a bit? Harajuku is cool, full of shops with some really weird shit. The best part is going across the street on Sunday by the Harajuku train station to see the kids all gothed out.
On the weekends (especially nice ones), Yoyogi Park is an awesome place to hang out, see the live rockabilly bands and the dudes sporting absurd pompadours & leather pants, have some beer or chu hi (awesome alcoholic drink available in any 7-11 or Lawry's, etc.). There are often festivals of one kind or another in the park, just check ahead of time.
Shibuya is definitely a worthwhile time. There are cool shopping stores, 'Love hotels' with funny names (Hotels that charge by the hour - I can talk more about those if you're interested, peculiar social dynamic), some good bars & restaurants, and it is home to the busiest pedestrian crossing in the world, Shibuya Crossing. I think there's about 8 million people that pass through every day.
Not sure, but you've probably heard about Rappongi. It was nightlife central when I arrived in Tokyo in 2005, but my ex-gf has told me it's really been on the decline due to Japanese government's efforts to clean it up. When I was there it was incredible. Massive multi-level clubs, tons of people from all over the world, and lots of alcohol.
Also nearby is the Tokyo Tower, a tower modeled after the Eiffel Tower, however this one is bright red-orange. You can pay some yen to go to the top deck which offers an incredible view & glass floors. And next to the tower is Zojoji Temple. It's an incredible building, and too close not to look.
A ferry ride down the river to from the Sensoji Temple Asakusa to Odaiba is a really cool way to see the city from another perspective. You go under the Rainbow suspension bridge, and have a great view of the city, especially at night. There you'll find the Fuji TV building that looks like a giant erector set, and if you go inside up into the ball, there will probably be a live taping of an absurd Japanese show. When I was there it was cute Japanese girls sumo wrestling each other. It was a trip. There was a Hawaiian burger joint in the nearby shopping center called 'Hana' (I think), with excellent burgers, and they served beer in giant biggulp-esque cups. The view from the place is easily the best I've ever seen from a burger joint.
Sensoji Temple Asakusa
From Odaiba looking at Tokyo (Not sure why the little statue of liberty...)
And let me give you a word of advice: Spend EXTRA TIME studying the trains. There are two main train lines for getting around the city, JR and Keikyu. There are Local, Express, & Limited Express trains. This means that each has a varying number of stops. The 'local' (Red) stops at every stop, while the express stops only at larger stations, while the limited express (Green) stops at fewer still, like Shinagawa, Tokyo Station, etc. You will probably get on the wrong train at some point, but if you're not in a hurry, just get off at a random station & go explore. I did that a lot and found all kinds of cool shit. Japanese people are often shy with their English, but they are very helpful and if you look lost chances are they will stop to help. Don't hesitate to ask either.
Alright man, good luck.
On the weekends (especially nice ones), Yoyogi Park is an awesome place to hang out, see the live rockabilly bands and the dudes sporting absurd pompadours & leather pants, have some beer or chu hi (awesome alcoholic drink available in any 7-11 or Lawry's, etc.). There are often festivals of one kind or another in the park, just check ahead of time.
Shibuya is definitely a worthwhile time. There are cool shopping stores, 'Love hotels' with funny names (Hotels that charge by the hour - I can talk more about those if you're interested, peculiar social dynamic), some good bars & restaurants, and it is home to the busiest pedestrian crossing in the world, Shibuya Crossing. I think there's about 8 million people that pass through every day.
Not sure, but you've probably heard about Rappongi. It was nightlife central when I arrived in Tokyo in 2005, but my ex-gf has told me it's really been on the decline due to Japanese government's efforts to clean it up. When I was there it was incredible. Massive multi-level clubs, tons of people from all over the world, and lots of alcohol.
Also nearby is the Tokyo Tower, a tower modeled after the Eiffel Tower, however this one is bright red-orange. You can pay some yen to go to the top deck which offers an incredible view & glass floors. And next to the tower is Zojoji Temple. It's an incredible building, and too close not to look.
A ferry ride down the river to from the Sensoji Temple Asakusa to Odaiba is a really cool way to see the city from another perspective. You go under the Rainbow suspension bridge, and have a great view of the city, especially at night. There you'll find the Fuji TV building that looks like a giant erector set, and if you go inside up into the ball, there will probably be a live taping of an absurd Japanese show. When I was there it was cute Japanese girls sumo wrestling each other. It was a trip. There was a Hawaiian burger joint in the nearby shopping center called 'Hana' (I think), with excellent burgers, and they served beer in giant biggulp-esque cups. The view from the place is easily the best I've ever seen from a burger joint.
Sensoji Temple Asakusa
From Odaiba looking at Tokyo (Not sure why the little statue of liberty...)
And let me give you a word of advice: Spend EXTRA TIME studying the trains. There are two main train lines for getting around the city, JR and Keikyu. There are Local, Express, & Limited Express trains. This means that each has a varying number of stops. The 'local' (Red) stops at every stop, while the express stops only at larger stations, while the limited express (Green) stops at fewer still, like Shinagawa, Tokyo Station, etc. You will probably get on the wrong train at some point, but if you're not in a hurry, just get off at a random station & go explore. I did that a lot and found all kinds of cool shit. Japanese people are often shy with their English, but they are very helpful and if you look lost chances are they will stop to help. Don't hesitate to ask either.
Alright man, good luck.
Springsteen and Morello perform ‘The Ghost of Tom Joad’
A classic protest song, inspired by the character “Tom Joad” from the film version of John Steinbeck’s “The Grapes of Wrath.” If you didn’t know that already, watch the monologue below.
This video is from YouTube user BruceSpringsteenVEVO, published Oct. 2, 2009.
This video is from the 1940 American cinema classic “The Grapes of Wrath,” starring Henry Fonda.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Did Scott Walker Get Crank-Call Pwned? (AUDIO) UPDATE: YES
This is incredible:
He's yet to reply; we'll update when he does. And we'll check with Gov. Walker's office to see what they say, too. In the meantime, have a listen to the tapes. And tell us what you think in the comments.
Did Scott Walker Get Crank-Call Pwned? (AUDIO) UPDATE: YES
| Wed Feb. 23, 2011 2:15 AM PST
UPDATE (1): Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker's office confirms that the recording of a call between the governor and an alt-weekly writer posing as David Koch, one of the billionaire GOP financier brothers, is real and that it is actually Walker on the recording. The governor's office has released a statement:
The Governor takes many calls everyday," Walkers spokesman, Cullen Werwie said in a statement. "Throughout this call the Governor maintained his appreciation for and commitment to civil discourse. He continued to say that the budget repair bill is about the budget. The phone call shows that the Governor says the same thing in private as he does in public and the lengths that others will go to disrupt the civil debate Wisconsin is having.
The Buffalo Beast site, which organized the prank, is down, but you can hear the call below.
UPDATE (2): Ian Murphy, the guy with the catch of the week, responded warmly to our questions about his call to Walker. His comments have been added in the original post below.
ORIGINAL POST: Is that really Scott Walker? [Update: Yep.] A New York-based alt-news editor says he got through to the embattled Wisconsin governor on the phone Tuesday by posing as right-wing financier David Koch...then had a far-ranging 20-minute conversation about the collective bargaining protests. According to the audio, Walker told him:
- That statehouse GOPers were plotting to hold Democratic senators' pay until they returned to vote on the controversial union-busting bill.
- That Walker was looking to nail Dems on ethics violations if they took meals or lodging from union supporters.
- That he'd take "Koch" up on this offer: "[O]nce you crush these bastards I'll fly you out to Cali and really show you a good time."
But was it for real? Check out the details on the guerrilla caller and audio of his conversation below the jump.
According to his Wikipedia entry, Ian Murphy is a gonzo journalist and editor of the BuffaloBeast, an online mag that was founded in 2002 as an alternative biweekly by gonzo Matt Taibbi and a band of colleagues. Murphy's probably best-known for a tough read about America's war dead called "Fuck the Troops." But if his latest Beast post, "Koch Whore," is to be believed, it's likely to be read a lot more widely.
When Wisconsin Democratic Sen. Tim Carpenter complained that Walker wouldn't return any of the Dems' calls, Murphy says he wondered: "Who could get through to Gov. Walker? Well, what do we know about Walker and his proposed union-busting, no-bid budget? The obvious candidate was David Koch." Koch, of course, is one of the right-wing brothers behind Americans for Prosperity and a host of other GOP-friendly causes; MoJo's own Andy Kroll broke the news last week on the Koch brothers' past support for Walker and his agenda.
So, Murphy says, he managed to have a phone audience with the governor by posing as Koch. And he taped the whole thing, copied on the videos below. What Walker says on the tape is pretty convincing...and sweeping. There'll be no negotiations with the unions or their legislative supporters, he says; after all, he doesn't need them:
I would be willing to sit down and talk to him, the assembly Democrat leader, plus the other two Republican leaders—talk, not negotiate and listen to what they have to say if they will in turn—but I'll only do it if all 14 of them will come back and sit down in the state assembly…legally, we believe, once they've gone into session, they don't physically have to be there.
At one point in the tape, Walker dismisses the left-leaning MSNBC. "Who watches that? I went on Morning Joe this morning. I like it because I just like being combative with those guys, but, uh. You know they're off the deep end." In fact, Walker did appear on Joe Scarborough's a.m. show Tuesday; if this isn't an authentic recording of the governor, Murphy surely nailed down the little details. But hey, that's gonzo, right? Right?...
There are were plenty of unanswered questions, so we sought out Murphy online late Tuesday night, asking if he was still awake. "Sort of," he tweeted us. "What do you want to know?" We emailed him a list of questions, and he responded early this morning:
Mother Jones: Okay, why should we believe you?
Ian Murphy: Why wouldn't you? I'd send you the recordings, but they're already online. I guess you'd have to consult an audio engineer or mp4 expert or whatever the forensic audio analysis autopsy seance kind of person. It sounds like him to me. Maybe they punked me! Maybe it was Koch who actually answered the phone. Maybe I am living a double life in my sleep as Scott Walker! It's for real. I would have made the dialogue better and the audio worse. What, I am DARPA or some shit over here?
MJ: What number did you call to get through to Walker?
IM: I called the number on their website: http://walker.wi.gov/section.
MJ: Did you really think you'd get through?
IM: I couldn't believe it was that easy. Or why they wouldn't check around or something in between my calls. Or be competent. Or just not completely stupid. I blame it on the cheeseheads.
MJ: Did you ever freak out, almost lose your cool, etc.?
IM: Each time I called i presumed they be like, "Sir, we know you're not Mr. Koch. Please fuck the fuck off." Once Walker got on, I was more shocked than freaked. Now I'm freaked again.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
American Corporations tied to Libya
Silence from the White House on Libyan military's killing of 300+ unarmed protesters. Could the fact that Chevron, Raytheon, Shell, Halliburton, General Dynamics, & Dow Chemical are all members of the US/Libya Business Association have something to do with it? Could it be General Dynamic's $165 Million contract to arm the Libyan military? Gotta love corporate America. 
Institutional Racism in the US
Here's a thread from a link I posted on FB:
JS- "African Americans Arrested at Double, Triple, or Even Quadruple Rate of Whites, Though Young Blacks Consume Marijuana at Lower Rates."
http://www.drugpolicy.org/docUploads/Targeting_Blacks_for_Marijuana_06_29_10.pdf
MH- I would like to think that the high arrest rates are not necessarily racially based, but socio-economically and geographically based, but then there isn't any information on that in the study.
JS- Got an answer for that. Of course us white people don't like to think it's 'racial'.
http://www.radioproject.org/2011/02/michelle-alexander-on-the-new-jim-crow/
PV- The social-economic & geographic situation of African-Americans is definitely racial-based!
MH- I don't disagree with that, however I think that if you have a concentration of lower income people there will be more crime, regardless of race or ethnic background, than in a concentrated area of high-income people.
PV- Well yes, and U.S. History shows that concentrations of low-income communities is racially/ethnically driven in our society, like the Irish & Italians of Boston & New York.
So although crime may be independent of race, social-economic status really isn't, and unfortunately, neither is racial profiling. Thus, one factor in explaining higher arrest rates among African Americans: race.
YL- no brainer, poverty + drugs=crime.
YL- young black male + hanging in the corner= police harrasment
JS- Here's a really awesome graphic of how stratified by race Chicago is:http://www.radicalcartography.net/index.html?chicagodots. The lines are drastically drawn. In Malcolm Gladwell's book "The Tipping Point". He cites the fact that sociologists found when the population of a neighborhood reaches 20% black, there is a nearly immediate exodus from the neighborhood by remaining white residents.
JS- "Black and Latino men accounted for 85% of the stops last year."
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2011/02/22/2011-02-22_new_york_police_department_stopped_more_than_600000_in_2010_the_highest_number_e.html
YL- Josh, great sources. Dont need to talk, facts speak for themselves.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Rural-to-Urban Migration & "Arrival Cities"
Very interesting interview of Doug Saunders on "Arrival Cities" & the global phenomena of rural-to-urban migration.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Wind-Powered Electric Eco Car Drives 3,000 Miles on $13 of Electricity
This is great.
Via Gawker:
Gary Cutlack — This open-topped beauty is the Wind Explorer, a German-made electric car that's just driven across Australia. And it only used around $13 of electricity on its 18-day trip.
Via Gawker:
Wind-Powered Electric Eco Car Drives 3,000 Miles on $13 of Electricity
Gary Cutlack — This open-topped beauty is the Wind Explorer, a German-made electric car that's just driven across Australia. And it only used around $13 of electricity on its 18-day trip.It's powered by two methods—a motor running on an internal battery that can be charged by the mains supply or a portable wind turbine, or, er, dragged along by kites. The turbine is a 20-foot-high telescopic bamboo mast that can be deployed in half an hour. Not particularly convenient for the daily commute, but a nice bit of thinking about how we might survive once the planet's oil's all been guzzled. [Wind Explorer via Like Cool]
Thursday, February 17, 2011
A post I added to a military thread on SuicideGirls.
Hey gangsters & gangsteresses. I'm Joshua & I was a Navy Aegis Fire Controlman (Missiles) for six years. Worked on the test platform for Tomahawk block IV missiles, as well as on Aegis Ballistic Missile Defense with the the SM-3 anti-ICBM missiles.
Proud of my service, but have come to realize that our country's use of our tax dollars to send war to every corner of the planet in order to preserve our economic dominance is against everything I stand for. No offense to my brothers & sisters out there putting their ass on the line. Two of my brothers have done tours in Iraq & I work tirelessly for veterans rights/benefits/recognition. Mad respect.
If you guys happen to be questioning things like I am, you're in a very good position to have your voice heard. You've walked the walk, seen the shit, & know what's up. Consider getting involved with Veterans For Peace (http://www.veteransforpeace.org/) or Iraq Veterans Against The War (http://www.ivaw.org/).
Proud of my service, but have come to realize that our country's use of our tax dollars to send war to every corner of the planet in order to preserve our economic dominance is against everything I stand for. No offense to my brothers & sisters out there putting their ass on the line. Two of my brothers have done tours in Iraq & I work tirelessly for veterans rights/benefits/recognition. Mad respect.
If you guys happen to be questioning things like I am, you're in a very good position to have your voice heard. You've walked the walk, seen the shit, & know what's up. Consider getting involved with Veterans For Peace (http://www.veteransforpeace.org/) or Iraq Veterans Against The War (http://www.ivaw.org/).
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
HuffPost: To Ladies: "Why You're Not Married"
Great article. I'm not in the market to get married but I hope the women who will be in the market at some point check this out. No breezies!
You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.
You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.
Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.
Well, I know why.
How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.
I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.
But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.
1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.
2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character,you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.
2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character,you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.
Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.
3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.
That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."
You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.
Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.
Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.
Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.
I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.
Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.
Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
Love.
Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Her memoir I Love You and I'm Leaving You Anyway is now available in paperback from Harper Collins/It Books. She lives in Los Angeles with her 13-year-old son. Follow her on Twitter.
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